


Pansexual is not "attracted to the Greek god of nature"

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotionally Repressed, Fluff and Smut, John finally finds a label, John finally understands, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, Multi, emotionally unavailable sherlock, pansexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2014-11-21
Packaged: 2018-02-26 13:07:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2653076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John discovers the term “pansexual.” Will his emotionally repressed flatmate take the hint?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John discovers the term “pansexual"

John glanced at his watch then sighed. He was happy to see he had time for only one more patient today. He’d been up late on a case with his flatmate the night before. He was tired and eager to leave the clinic, looking forward to a shower, Chinese takeout dinner and – hopefully – a quiet night in. He paged the nurse to send in his next patient.

A young woman entered. She looked about 12 years old to John. He knew she must be at least 18 in order to be seen without a parent. He thought to himself – the young ones are looking younger every year. He quickly opened her file to scan her health history. 

She was pretty in a waifish way. Very thin with delicate features, medium height, long blond hair and bright blue eyes. She was dressed in a short black puffer jacket, a tight t-shirt with some type of Asian-looking cartoon on the front, a short full black and white plaid skirt, fishnet stockings and clunky black combat boots. Her face was innocent of makeup but for heavy black eyeliner, her skin fresh and dewy, her lips pale pink. John thought she could be cute if she’d ditch those ridiculous boots.

“Well, then, Ashley, what brings you in today?” he asked kindly. “I’d like to discuss birth control options” Ashley answered levelly.

Great, thought John - Just what I need to end a long day. I get to have “The Talk” with a teenager. Aloud he said pleasantly, “Considering becoming sexually active, are you?”

Ashley snorted. “Please” she said sarcastically. “Little late for The Talk, Doctor. I want to change my birth control option. I stopped taking the Pill last month. Right now I’m kind of in a relationship with another woman, but I’d like to have options for the future – for men.”

“Bisexual?” John asked calmly. 

“No, I’m not bi,” the young woman answered.

John was frankly embarrassed to be having this conversation with a girl young enough to be his daughter. Just his bad luck to be free when her turn came up. He’d discussed birth control with female soldiers as an Army doctor, refilled their prescriptions, and patted their backs as they cried when those prescriptions sometimes failed - even "taken care of it" for them. Somehow it was all easier when both he and his patient were dressed in fatigues. 

John looked puzzled. “But you just said, you’d like stand-by birth control to use with men?” 

Ashley rolled her eyes and sighed a very loud breath. “You know, Doctor, there are sexual self-identifications other than just straight, gay and bi. I am pansexual. I fall in love with a person regardless of their gender. When that person feels the same way about me, it can lead to a physical relationship – or not. I am attracted to a person’s character – their personality. I don’t really care about their gender or sexual orientation.” She spoke as if reciting a very tedious speech for the 100th time in a day.

“Really,” John said with a smile in his voice. “Pansexual. Never heard of it, but I like your explanation.” 

Ashley glanced up to see her Doctor smiling from ear to ear, face shining. “That’s not the reaction I normally get.” She said.

“What do people normally say?” John asked, interested. “Piss off?”

“No” Ashley laughed. She gave a tinkling giggle then continued, “Most people say something about being a slut for both cock and pussy. Or that it’s a made-up excuse to avoid sex.”

“Oh no, I completely understand what you’re saying,” John quickly assured her, grinning. “So, let’s talk birth control. Since you don’t currently have a need, I would not suggest a hormonal method – the Pill or shots. No need to mess with your body’s hormones if you don’t need to.”

Ashley’s sweet face showed her relief. She felt safe with this warm, accepting, gentle man. They talked over birth control options for another half hour. Doctor Watson treated her as an intelligent adult and left the final decision to her. She left the clinic fully satisfied with her choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *She's wearing a Soul Eater tshirt, but John wouldn't know anything about anime.


	2. Pansexual does not mean “attracted to the Greek god of nature and rustic music”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's so happy to discover a definition of sexuality that's not just straight, gay or bi.

John left the clinic with a spring in his step, all tiredness swept away by the monumental epiphany he’d had during his conversation with young Ashley. He decided to walk. 

John liked the gentle motion of walking. His best thoughts surfaced during long solitary walks. As he strolled unhurriedly through the gloaming, he mulled over his conversation with Ashley. Pansexual – that was a new term for him. He stopped at a corner to Google the term on his phone.

Wikipedia told him Pansexual meant “Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people of any sex or gender identity. Self-identified pansexuals may consider pansexuality a sexual orientation, and refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.” The description went on to say “Pansexuality rejects the gender binary, the "notion of two genders and indeed of specific sexual orientations."

That was enough for now. He could read more at home on his laptop but just the first paragraph of the Wikipedia page made John grin. 

He certainly had a lot to think about on this beautiful, mild evening. He’d hardly noticed the kilometers pass and seemed to arrive at his favorite Chinese take-out in minutes. 

He hummed while waiting for the dinner order then headed home with a light step. He couldn’t wait to tell Sherlock what he’d learned that day. He could finally explain to Sherlock that he considered him more than a flatmate and work partner. He could at last declare his feelings, his attraction – his LOVE – for the brilliant detective.

He resolved to tell Sherlock all his feelings that night, come what may. He was pretty certain Sherlock felt the same, but his partner was so difficult to read. Sherlock could just as easily recoil from him in repulsion. 

John’s step slowed as he approached 221b Baker Street. What if Sherlock was put off by John’s attraction? What if he felt only friendship toward John? John would hate to lose his best friend. He’d hate to lose the intimacy of sharing a flat with the man he loved, even if that sharing was on a platonic basis. He’d rather have Sherlock in his life as a friend then lose his friendship completely.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Food, wine, awkward conversation, angst and misunderstanings. Don't you just want to knock their heads together and say "talk openly!"

Sherlock was rummaging around in the bottom drawer of the fridge trying to find a human liver among the other plastic bags of body parts. He straightened when he heard the door close. He deduced that John had had a long day but was unusually energetic In spite of it – he’d walked home from work yet seemed refreshed – he had something on his mind he wanted to discuss with his best friend but seemed hesitant to bring it up. 

Sherlock stopped deducing at the last one, giving John time to bring up what he wanted to talk about. He sat the bagged liver on the table and turned to wash his hands. “For God’s sake, Sherlock, could you not put cadaver parts on the table where we are going to eat dinner?” John huffed, rolling his eyes. 

“We always eat in the sitting room,” Sherlock replied, sounding perplexed. 

John shrugged and sat the take-out bag on the one clean spot on the kitchen counter. “I thought I’d like to have a meal at the table tonight. Never mind.”

Sherlock shot John a piercing glance. John wanted to eat at the table. Whatever John wanted to talk about must be very important, so Sherlock relented. He put the liver back in the fridge then quickly moved his scientific detritus to the counters. John grabbed a sponge and scrubbed the table top while Sherlock reached for plates in the upper cabinet, then flatware from a drawer. He even took out two placemats and set a smart table. While John washed his hands, Sherlock found a bottle of white wine in the fridge, quickly uncorking it, then pouring two generous glasses.

At last they sat down across from each other. John seemed suddenly nervous, taking quick bites and large gulps of wine. Sherlock unobtrusively kept John’s glass topped up while he drank very little. Sherlock wanted John to just relax and tell him what was on his mind, while staying sharp himself. By the end of the meal John had nearly finished the bottle while Sherlock had less than half a glass.

At last John slumped back in his chair and gave Sherlock a frank, direct stare. “Have you ever heard the term pansexual?” he asked mildly.

Sherlock furrowed his brows. “Sexually attracted to the Greek god of nature and rustic music?” he quipped lightly.

John sighed and ran a hand over his eyes. “No, Sherlock. Not attracted to half-man, half-goat Greek gods,” he said wearily. He glanced up at his flatmate to gauge his interest. He knew Sherlock was uncomfortable with any talk of sexuality and he didn't want Sherlock’s massive brain to find a way to deflect the topic.

Sherlock’s face remained composed. “What is it then, John?” he asked calmly. Sherlock sat upright, his posture relaxed but guarded. He picked up his glass and had a sip, sitting it back on the table carefully. He glanced at John to find his partner returning the glance earnestly.

John began, “People use it who can be attracted or find themselves in love toward people of any gender. Pansexuals consider gender irrelevant. They fall in love with who they fall in love with. They don’t pay attention to their loved one’s sex, they pay attention to their loved one as a person.” He eyes lit up as he spoke. His voice was earnest, as if he could will Sherlock to understand the meaning behind his words.

While Sherlock looked composed on the outside, inside his mind was in chaos and his heart was pounding. Was John trying to tell him something with this information? While he’d never actually came out to John, Sherlock was assuredly gay. He’d never been attracted to, nor fallen in love with, a woman. All of his sexual experience had been with men and while he’d never fallen in love with one, he did enjoy the closeness and intimacy of sex.

Sherlock narrowed his eyes. He never lied to himself. If he kept to his self-honesty, he would have to admit to himself he actually had fallen in love with one man. However, he had not shared sex with that man. He had shared emotional and proximate intimacy with that man. Sherlock relied on the man of his interest more than he let on. He was insanely attracted to that man. 

The man Sherlock was in love with nearly shouted from the rooftops that he Was Not Gay, so Sherlock had never shared his feelings. That man was now explaining the meaning of Pansexuality to him. Was John trying to tell him that he was also attracted to – maybe even loved – Sherlock? He had to be sure before he laid his heart bear to John.

At last Sherlock spoke, “John, why is this a relevant topic for dinner conversation?”

John looked away and answered, “A young woman came into the clinic today seeking an alternative birth control to the Pill. She is currently in a relationship with a woman, but said she will probably have relationships with men in the future. When I asked if she’s bi, she explained to me that she’s pansexual. She had a compelling explanation of what it’s like to be pansexual. She falls in love with a person’s mind or personality, not their body.” He nearly glared into Sherlock’s eyes, willing him to understand.

Sherlock looked back placidly. “So, she is currently in love with a woman’s mind, and also having sex with her body, while also planning for the future eventuality of falling in love with a man’s mind, personality and eventually his body?” Sherlock gave John his fake grin. “And how is that different from a promiscuous bisexual girl?” he finished in his deducing voice.

John hung his head and sighed. “I wish you’d met her, Sherlock. She explained it so much better than I can,” he said dejectedly. He stood up, shoulders slumping, and started clearing the table.

“I wish I had,” Sherlock said slowly, “I wish I had.” He rose gracefully from his chair, strode quickly into the sitting room and picked up his violin. He faced the window then began to play a melody haunting and sweet, effectively cutting off any further conversation. 

Sherlock’s heart pounded and brow perspired as he played. What exactly WAS John trying to tell him? Was he merely passing on an interesting tidbit from his workday? Was he indirectly telling Sherlock he felt the same way Sherlock felt about him? Was it significant that John had wanted to eat at the table? Was it significant that John was tipsy when he brought up the subject of sexuality?

Sherlock knew he was brilliant at deducing facts about a person but a blind idiot when it came to deducing feelings. He took his frustration out on his violin, playing Russian melodies that bordered on violent. He wished, for the first time in his life, that he wasn't so bloody repressed. He wished he could have fallen to his knees at John’s feet and declared his feelings. But he was repressed and he had to be sure. He wasn't willing to risk his friendship with John over a misunderstood dinner conversation.

**Author's Note:**

> I am still really new to writing fanfic. I would really appreciate your feedback! I never take anything personally, so feel free to leave constructive criticism. I want to become a better writer. And this is FUN practice!
> 
> I promise smut this weekend. I'm out of time right now. :)


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